Apple Jack

Knowing when companies are ripe to invest in is easier than picking apples. But investing can’t be done seasonally. You’ve got to watch your money like you binge watch Jessica Jones. Pay close attention and only look away when RunPee says you can. And when you do look away, it should be at a second TV tuned to CNBC.

Like picking the perfect orchard to pick your apples, do some research on your prospective investments. Where are they located? Are they government subsidized? What kind of chemicals are sprayed on their crops and/or employees? Most experts agree that lightly Government subsidized companies with heavily, chemically treated employees perform the best.

Once you’ve found a few promising orchards, how many apples should you pick? What’s the ratio of time spent on picking verses possible number of apples you can consume before they wither and rot like that tech company I put all my Bar Mitzvah money into thirty years ago?

In a recent interview in New Antiques Monthly, legendary investor John “Jack” Bogle revealed his formula for comparing apples to investments.

($=C )D – A = $ x 1000

$ is your personal financial savings. C is average daily calorie consumption. D is dietary and dollar fluctuation. A is some kind of black magic blood sacrifice. Bogle refused to give details.

So we know that money can be compared to apples because that’s the premise of this article and I’m claiming Jack Bogle has done it.  How can you gain even a tiny fraction of the wealth of John “Jack” Bogle or John “Jack” Welch or Warren “Jack” Buffett?

First, think hard and really appreciate the metaphor of money as apples. Second, pray to whatever puny gods you believe in for wealth and prosperity. Third, and most important, change your name to “Jack.”


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  1. Napoléon Doom says:

    Does the formula still work if I change my name to Jacques?

  2. Evan Forsch says:

    Only in Quebec and possibly Belgium.

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